IM BACKKK

So I havent posted anything in a long time and I appoligize. I am back now however and in the United States I have many new pictures to post and things to write so make sure to check back within the week to see some stuff from Minneapolis and soon pictures from El Paso where I am now living and stationed!

the lady walks by the perfume store... the smells fill her nose and she is lost in pleasure... happy in every sense. She walks into the store not to purchase but to simply say to the store owner. Wow this smell is incredible I wish I could smell it all the time. The store owner smiles and thanks the lady for her kind words and the day moves on. Two days later, another lady walks by, coughing and gagging. Instead of walking away from the horrid smell in her nose she follows it and end up talking to the same store owner. This smell is horrid! she says to him... she tells him to figure out how to get the smell out of the air and she is going to make a complaint to the mall which he works for. The mall owner notifies him that he can no longer spray his fragrance, he says but people love the smell, it is how i attract them to my store. The mall owner replies we have been receiving complaints and you must stop.

My question is simply this, why do we aim to please the unhappy, instead of keeping the happy, happy? The smell could equally make people as happy as unhappy... but you say if the lady wants to smell it she should buy it, i say if she wants to smell it she can smell it... if the lady doesnt want to smell it dont walk by the store and dont look for it... because you choose what u do... if the salesmen wants to shout cus words to attract that type of customer... then plug ur ears and walk by... but if you like that then go in.... what happened to people being able to do things simply because they are people not because of the laws and rules that govern them and fear of what will happen if they be who they are so longing to be....

You will never understand until you walk this road. See these things, you can NEVER imagine. An image is just a minor snap shot of the millions of images that run through my mind. You can not imagine the empty and alone feelings that one has behind that camera. Waking up in the middle of the night with the cold, the fear of who might walk through your door because all that you truly have is you. No one to help you, to have your back, to hear your sufferings, to relate to you. Because there honestly is NOTHING ANYONE can do to help you. No human can give you what it is you are seeking, it is so much more than words, a hug, a smile a pat on the back. It is a feeling.... a deep inner feeling that you need, something you have to dig deep to find.... and when u find it you can understand that its you that has the power... the real strength... you support you... u are the puppet master and the puppet... you say when u stop u say when u can push urself forward... no one else has that power... and understanding that is what i dont think anyone can do until you are truly put into the situation where you have to... i cant call in sick to work... there is no one to wake me up in the morning and say hey lets get ready... no one to say its time for bed... no one to say good job at work today you are really smart you are really talented... because only you can do that for urself...you are the alpha and the omega... u are the writer and the reader... u are the poet and the critic... the judge and the defendant... no one back home can understand what it is we feel... you miss me.... i miss you too... but i also miss him and him and her and her and her and him .... and im pulled in every which way... and u think im selfish when i do what i want... but u dont give i live every day doing what u want... i do this so u can do that.... freedom isnt free.... but why is it me who defends what u dont appreciate truly and fully... u complain and bitch and moan and cry and say ur life is tough.. tough is falling asleep while bombs are falling... listening to sirens every day... hearing gun shots... afraid that the road underneath u is going to turn into debree and u are gonna come home with no arms and legs and YOU are gonna have to live with that... i dont get those freedoms u get... i dont get to feel those things u do.. i miss pizza... i miss mc donalds.. i miss nice roads... i miss stop signs... i miss english.. i miss drive throughs... i miss my car... i miss my clothes... my shoes.. showering by myself... taking a shit in peace... the day you can fully understand that.. you will understand me... i dont wanna hear that ur sorry or that you couldnt imagine... because i know that.. i know u couldnt imagine... cuz ur not here.. nor will u ever be here... i dont ask u to... but i ask that u really look deep into urself and think about the words that come outa ur mouth... the things u take for granted and realize how fast they could be gone.. im no hero... im just someone with passion.. someone real.. more selfless than u can ever be... so dont ask me for anythin because i have already given all i have... the only thing left is me and this computer.. and my words and thoughts... all i have to give has been given out... LET ME BREATHE! THIS IS REAL.... think im a bad person for the words i say.. but its because u are asleep... .. u say i gave this up willingly and ur right... and thats what u dont grasp... how strong i am.. how grown up i am... so u can go about ur lives... live day in and day out and know... u never did anythin .. u think ur tasks are so great.. but really in the scheme of things... do they matter? who will care.. i know u care about what i do... because u are living up all that i give u right now... without me .. u couldnt go to school or the park or on vacation... i gave up my life ... so you could have urs... and u dont even appreciate it fully........ wow.... now that felt good to get out... this is real... this is me... and this is my life... anyone who wants to be on this road with me i am willing to share.. but u need to know who i am first... and what im about... and this is just the beginning of understanding...

April 19, 2010

I havent been able to get pictures to upload recently. The internet is pretty obnoxious sometimes. It is funny how alone I feel as soon as the internet isnt working... its like my connection to reality and this is just the matrix that I am logged into. Anywho, The pictures i just posted were really just about capturing the weather... the beat of the sun down on the dry earth... eating away the life here. But yet everything still seems to have such a beautiful color and sense of life. its incredible that things survive out here I will never understand it. I look forward to capturing more images of this place to take with me... but I cant say I wish to stay here. My heart cannot take the desolation and sadness this place has. It is really something only someone really strong can withstand. This place eats away at you with each passing day.... taking the color out of the frame.... and turning it into a black and white photograph.... cold and lonely place here, which is so strange because the sun is so hot...